Is it a Guilty Pleasure if I Don't Feel Guilty?

A few weeks ago, I did a bad, bad thing.

Thanks primarily to the involvement of this man-

-I started watching a reality TV show. The man in question is the genius writer of The Specials and Slither (and ex-husband of Pam Beesley from the Office), Mr. James Gunn. The show in question is Scream Queens, on VH1.

I’ll wait while you finish chuckling to yourself.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waited.

Okay. This isn’t some sort of confession. I’m not trying to get this off my chest. I’m actually asking, why in pluperfect hell aren’t any of you watching it? This isn’t just reality, man. It’s what reality ought to be like: ten aspiring actresses competing week after week for a role in a major Hollywood blockbuster.

Oh. Said blockbuster is Saw VI. Well, I hear the runner up gets a candy bar. Which is just about as good.

Prize lameness aside, the competition itself is fascinating. Every episode has three acting segments – a semi-improv/ad hoc scene, a workshop, and the director’s challenge, where they actually shoot a scene. These scenes include being attacked by a snake in a bathtub, kicking the ass of a psychopathic killer, seducing a man in order to drink his blood, encountering a swarm of man-eating cockroaches, and the highlight, a trailer for the imaginary movie Reform School Zombie Squad. As much as I love these scenarios, the really interesting thing is watching the girls progress through the program, changing and growing each week. It’s like acting boot camp - they aren’t just competing for a role, they’re training for it, and you can actually see the results. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but there’s honest to god depth to the proceedings.

Of course, they’re also all locked in a house together and like to hang out in the hot tub, engage in petty dramatic conflicts, and record bitchy remarks in the confessional booth. But we don’t have to mention these things in polite company.

Even if you don’t appreciate all of the acting craft method rigamarole, Scream Queens still has plenty to offer, mostly in the form of gutbusting hilarity. Sometimes it’s a great bit of a scripted scene, like in Reform School Zombie Squad:

Warden: I’ve been reviewing your record, Channon, and I don’t like what I’m seeing.

Channon (dropping her robe): Review this record, Warden. And by record, I mean Vagina.

Sometimes it’s the magic of a complete idiotic train wreck, such as Michelle’s response to the judges’ complaints that she wasn’t emotionally present in her scene:

For me, it’s kind of hard, because I didn’t have a lot of emotional stuff happen. . . I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging or anything, but I’ve had a really, really great life growing up.

They also like to deliver scripts to the girls in the most hilariously “scary” way possible. The first week, the scripts were in the middle of a bunch of live snakes on a breakfast tray. The second week, a midget dressed as a doll leapt out of a pile of real dolls to deliver the message. One week the scripts were around the neck of a zombie that was vomiting blood all over the swimming pool.

Ultimately, though, the best part of the show isn’t even part of the show itself. This brings us back around full circle to James “PG Porn” Gunn, one of the three judges. Anyone who’s seen his work knows that he is a funny, funny man. Turns out he’s also a funny, funny man with a blog (I know, I know, what are the odds). Every week he posts a lengthy description of his experience on the show, discussing the reasons why the judges judged the way they judged (Judge. Judgejudge), the funny things that didn’t make the final cut, the stupid decisions made by VH1 producers, and the fact that fellow judge and acting coach John Homa apparently cries like a girl. One could argue that, taken on its own, the show does not actually have the depth that I ascribe to it – but when you put the show and the blog together, you get something that’s actually kind of special (no, not that kind of special).

So watch the show, read the blog, and be prepared to have you life changed. Not that Scream Queens will change your life; it’s just good to be prepared in general. But don’t take my word for it – take James Gunn’s word (Re: The midget/doll encounter)

The girls were honestly freaked out on the midget. No feigning here. Tanedra took of her shoe and swatted at her! That's correct: TANEDRA TRIED TO HIT A MIDGET WITH HER SHOE BECAUSE IT WAS DRESSED LIKE A DOLL. Why are people watching fucking SURVIVOR?

PS: My pick to win is Angela. That’s right, I’m predicting the winner of a reality TV show. Someone shoot me.